I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
