nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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