Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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