I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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