1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
