What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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