Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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