Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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