we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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