What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize