I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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