life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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