we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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