He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
