Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
