My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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