Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
