u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm jealous of your bromance
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
