so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
