I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
