Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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