You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
