R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
