Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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