I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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