I cockslap morals
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Green mimosas i think yes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
