my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
