Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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