I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
