I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
