I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize