Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
