Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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