We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
40s are totally the cure
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
