Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
