I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
