We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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