I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize