I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
