you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
