There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
