That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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