The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
