That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
please don't ironically join a cult
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