his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
