I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize