Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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