I will die if light touches me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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