I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
