PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i already hear my dad disowning me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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