Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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