I wish I could teleport
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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